Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
