fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
