I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
