When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's never too late to be topless.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Randomize
