You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
