I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
