There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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