Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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