i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
