I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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