Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
