My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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