the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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