I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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