It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
