She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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