so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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