Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
