i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
