Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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