I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
