Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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