There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
