so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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