I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
