I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
