stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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