ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
