what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize