I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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