yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
