Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
