Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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