I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize