rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
