there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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