my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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