I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize