As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
