i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
