i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
This house was built for laser tag.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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