Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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