i think my tv is drunk
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize