um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Houston, we have a squirter
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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