My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
