i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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