I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
