I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It's shark week go big or go home
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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