We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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