thus making me awesome and them whores
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
