i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
