I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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