My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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