I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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