shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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