worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
