At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
