so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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