My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
