Fine. I'll sleep in my office
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
