I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
