I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
