im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
