How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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