I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
