u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
