Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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