I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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