First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
