just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
as a side note pls kill me
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
