I hate your face
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
