So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
