If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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