using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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