dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
