I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
